ST. LOUIS POST-DISPATCH
Thursday, Jan. 03 2008

What if the presidential candidates took on Highway 40?
By Colleen Carroll Campbell

This week's Highway 40 closure overlaps with the start of primary season — a
coincidence not lost on the presidential candidates who gathered recently to
discuss our transportation travails. Debate transcripts are scarce, but I
snagged a bootleg copy. Enjoy:

Tim Russert: Senator Clinton, let's begin with you. What's your opinion of the
Highway 40 closure?

Clinton: Well, Tim, I'm glad to be here in St. Louis to talk about this
important issue. It's unfortunate that you and this boys' club insist on
targeting me, the only woman, with your pile-on question, but I can take it.
Gender has no bearing on this election.

Russert: Senator, I don't consider that a sexist question . . .

Clinton: Of course you don't. You're part of the vast chauvinist conspiracy
bent on destroying a candidacy upon which the fate of women everywhere depends.
Not that my gender matters. Anyway, I initially supported the closure, but I
now oppose it. It's a quagmire. I blame George Bush.

Russert: Senator Obama, Senator Clinton says you lack the experience to solve
problems like this one. You care to respond?

Obama: Yes, Tim, but not with the same petty, vindictive, shrew-like personal
attacks that characterize my opponent. I think St. Louisans are ready to rise
above the acrimony and imitate my hopeful nobility by embracing the hopeful
future of public transportation and, hopefully, electric cars.

Russert: So you believe in the highway project?

Obama: It's time to transcend this yes-or-no, gotcha questioning, Tim. I
believe in hope. So does Oprah.

Russert: Senator Edwards, your thoughts?

Edwards: I'm outraged, Tim, and you should be, too. This is another plot by
powerful construction companies to get rich while working stiffs get stuck in
traffic. When I'm president, I'll make sure corporate greed never closes
another highway!

Russert: You don't believe Highway 40 needs improvement?

Edwards: Not for a minute, Tim. I know all about these deceitful fat cats. I've
fleeced them in court. I've lived in their millionaire neighborhoods. I've
patronized their overpriced hairstylists. And I'll tell you something: Their
lavish lifestyles make me sick.

Russert: Congressman Kucinich, do you have a solution?

Kucinich: I do. My transportation plan builds on the innovations of
interplanetary vehicles.

Russert: You mean UFOs?

Kucinich: That's right, Tim. [Whispering] We are not alone.

Russert: Interesting. Now for the Republicans: Your thoughts, Mayor Giuliani?

Giuliani: You want to talk about a traffic nightmare? Try New York after 9/11.
I personally directed traffic, filled potholes and drove abandoned taxis to
singlehandedly salvage that city. If elected, I'll do the same for every city
in America.

Russert: Senator Thompson, your view?

Thompson: Zzzz . . .

Russert: We'll come back to Senator Thompson. Governor Romney, you supported
the closure and now oppose it. Why the flip-flop?

Romney: I realized I was wrong, Tim. Also, it's wildly unpopular with
Republican primary voters.

Russert: And you, Governor Huckabee?

Huckabee: Tim, I don't have the money or fancy pedigree these folks have, but I
did lose 110 pounds — the equivalent of Barack Obama — by jogging. Maybe St.
Louisans should jog to work.

Russert: Senator McCain, any comment on this project?

McCain: Yeah, I got a comment for you. I'll follow the planners of this
disaster to the gates of hell.

Russert: Congressman Paul, do you support this project?

Paul: Are you kidding? Our founding fathers never built highways! They never
even drove cars! This is an unconstitutional, big-government scam!

Russert: I'll give you the last word, Senator Thompson.

Thompson: Zzzz . . .

Russert: Well, there you have it, folks: America's presidential candidates. I'm
Tim Russert, signing off from St. Louis, the Gateway to Congestion. Happy
travels!

Colleen Carroll Campbell is an author, television host and St. Louis-based
fellow at the Ethics and Public Policy Center. Her website is
www.colleen-campbell.com.